I can’t decide.

And before you dry heave, this is not about love/romance, or a crush or some totally hot guy that may like me if I lost some weight and get a personality transplant. 

This is about raw, real….. Reality. (A place I don’t often visit)  

Today was one of the best days of my life because it was fundamentally normal. Unfortunately what we think is normal, is the glass half full stuff, because so many of our families are dysfunctional and our relationships are about mind games, power plays or just plain old fashioned sex. We don’t actually have those hallmark card days.

  I spent the day at work with my boss who was thoroughly impressed with my intensive first week of work, I’ve already turned a dying business around and I’ve done it my way.  I’ll never sacrifice who I am for any thing, I may be stubborn but I’m also awesome and I know my shit, so when someone leaves me…well let’s just say 9/10 clients are left feeling special, beautiful and confident. That’s my raison d’être and it doesn’t end when I clock out. 

I finished work and met up with one of my girlfriends I went to school with, she just became a mother 2 months ago and she’s doing a fab job. She lives with her two younger sisters, her new husband & baby. I’m so proud of her because she’s the first of our group to actually open that door or new chapter in her life and my other friends seem to think she’s missing out on something. Tonight confirmed that she’s actually a whole lot more together, complete and satisfied than all of us put together. The toughest job one can do is be a good* parent. 

 We ate, we chatted, we played with the baby, we bathed the baby, we played with the pets (cat & dog) we all helped cook, we had wine, we had some laughs and I got to ride my first motorbike home. That all seems really basic, but for about 3 years now I’ve not had a real family and when I did have one it was only 3 of us, and it was never normal or functional.

 I guess what it does for me is tip the scales. Some days I’m downright frustrated with how cruel and unfair the world is but days like today make everything seem worthwhile, these are the days that make your life longer ,that give you laugh lines not frown lines. You can’t hate the world when you see a baby sneeze or giggle.  So I have one of the best things one can get out of life, hope. I have a reason to make the world a better place, a new generation that looks at me like a pillar, I was there before she was born and I will be there all her life. And a part of me knows, that one day I’ll be in a position to use what I’ve learnt today with my own children…granted they won’t look like me because they will be adopted but any smile and sneeze will do as long as I’m there to catch it. 

So… Q) Am I walking on water or floating? A)      A little from column A and I little from column B…but no C because I’m not drowning today. 

 *Good = Love your child, unconditionally so much so you care for their own spiritual growth as much or more than your own.

xx C   

I think the idea of an online journal or blog if you will is absurdly beautiful. We want to express ourselves but in order to validate our thoughts we want someone else to read them, doesn’t matter who. We just need to know, that someone, somewhere… cares?! Pfft, I don’t care about most things I read, I don’t believe most things I read, I question most things because A) I’m a shit stirrer and B) I have trust issues. I’m also hilarious and pathetic, because I spend all this time not caring because I do care, because some things break my heart so much that if I think too much about them, I couldn’t function. I’d want to hide under my doona eating flour because sugar is too good for me, because there is so much fucked up shit happening in the world and I’ve done nothing to make it better and I’m horrible horrible underachiever. 

By now, you’ll realise I’m not completely sane, but show me someone who is? I wouldn’t say I’m “crazy” I prefer “eccentric” because I’m an “artist” and it makes me sound cool. I’ve never been popular, I’m no it girl, but I’m liked or loved because I’m amusing and I’ll do almost anything to make someone laugh; at me or with me, as long as it’s a giggle, chuckle, snigger or just a smile… that’s going to leave you with lines! (Moisturise!)

 I’ll save my soap box for my 2^nd entry…

 “Always leave them wanting more”

 Xx C